


gone but not forgotten

by ramunder



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, barnes opens up, cel does some cel-ing and azu does some lovin, it's called processing ur emotions and it's good for u, some grieving gets done and it's healthy enough, zolf does too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:48:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25891606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramunder/pseuds/ramunder
Summary: barnes says something, for once. it's good for him.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	gone but not forgotten

barnes is a natural at the helm, and zolf wouldn't have to be a sailor to see it.

there's a carriage he has, probably come from his days in the navy as he stands tall and quiet and observant, weather-eyed and sharp on the sea of skies before the airship, head cocking slightly at each call from the crew. zolf hadn't thought he'd have the patience for it, truth be told on how stiff and uptight he'd seemed in dover, but the fact that barnes had done some mutineering himself and abandoned the navy gave him some credit.

and more than that, zolf had personally witnessed the man nodding and asking questions as cel explained the complicated controls that they _claim_ to have vastly simplified. still a load of bollocks to him, but after a few hours barnes had gotten the hang of it. all in all he makes a fine helmsman, which is good, considering earhart seems to have absolutely zero vested interest in ship operations beyond making sure it's still in the sky—ah, and barnes is a swift hand with darts, too, another point in his favor.

it's a shame no one really seems to recall that he exists except for when they need him, save the occasional appearance of wilde to check in. even belowdecks he seems to fade into the background, seems reticent, and zolf remembers how he sequestered himself on the stairs at the inn. spoke up every now and then, sure, but...

well, zolf doesn't consider himself too keen on any emotional divination, but he can tell this sort of thing a mile off.

he picks a day of smooth sailing, or rather, an evening of one for barnes to be coming off shift. first mate comes with some privileges, like rather pointed access to the liquor cabinets and the ability to pilfer a decent bottle of whiskey and a couple glasses, pointedly not waking the kobold sequestered, fast asleep, behind the wine. the sun's setting as he ambles his way up towards the mizzenmast, glancing up on his way to see a gangly limb hanging over the side of the crow's nest, and hearing azu's soft, distant laughter. hamid's talking to barnes with a chart in his hands, pointing out tomorrow's heading, and zolf feels a strange tug in his chest. not a bad tug, but an unfamiliar one.

nice to see everyone in their element. nice to see things going on, knowing it's settling into place and for once it feels like they'll all be ready for what's next.

"oi. you two fraternizin' on deck, eh? aren't you on shift?"

hamid gives a surprised, reactionary _"zolf!"_ and nearly drops the chart, while barnes comes up to his full height and respectfully says, "mr. smith."

"zolf," hamid repeats, lacking his customary stutter, at ease. "just going over plans for tomorrow. some rain's coming in, i think."

"good!" he reaches out and claps hamid on the back. "stayin' on top of things. less work for me."

"well, i'd hate to take you out of the kitchen."

"yeah, wouldn't want to miss a meal, wouldja?"

the halfling pouts, but a moment later spies the whiskey and promptly lights up again. "oh, zolf. a-and here i was just thinking i'd like a drink, how kind of you—"

"you want one, go get one with the rest of the _crew_ , hamid. i'm out here to have a chat wi' barnes, actually, if you don't mind? maybe wilde'll have a bottle hangin' around, i know you've been keen on him lately."

zolf gives a very unsubtle wink that he obviously doesn't really mean, and hamid both smiles _and_ looks offended at the same time, rolling up the chart in his hands and knocking zolf's arm with it as he heads down amidships. and there's barnes, standing at attention with that rigid set that zolf remembers—though it's somewhat slackened, by time and by hardship. can't blame him. been a few years since zolf's been able to straighten his back completely, too.

harder over the last year or so.

"mr. smith," barnes offers again, and his eyes seem to _pointedly_ dip to the whiskey and back up again. "sort of an unexpected surprise, i suppose, sir."

the dwarf waves a hand dismissively. "we're evened out on ranks by now, barnes, not about to court-martial ya over callin' me by me own name. who's takin' helm, after you?"

"ought to be smooth sailing through the night, s—zolf. our chief engineer seems to have put in a lever for what they refer to as 'cruise control', which means i'm not as essential to the helm as long as the wind's behind us. mr. tahan seems to think that's the case."

"alright! ship-shape then. 'ave a glass, and let's go talk."

* * *

they're going exactly the right way for the sunset to blaze at the prow, and that's where they settle eventually. there are two overturned buckets, a large wooden one that barnes sits on and a smaller wash-pail that suits zolf just fine, and any bad blood that might have been leftover from england seems to have dissolved if zolf can judge it by the sole foot apart that they sit. or maybe that's for the ease of him tipping the bottle upon the rim of barnes' glass. either way, over the noise of the wind and the engine and all the sorts of mechanical hums and thrums and thunks, there's privacy enough.

"cheers," zolf says, and barnes echoes it. the glasses clink, and zolf brings the whiskey to his lips for a sip, watching instead as barnes throws back a sizeable swallow. zolf'd half expect him to cough, but they'd both been navy, after all.

the most he gets is a slight tightening 'round the edges of barnes' eyes, and the man comments, "spicy."

"never liked the sweeter stuff," zolf shrugs, and he sets the bottle safely between his feet. "so, uh—"

"if you've come to court me, mr. smith, i'm sorry to tell you, but i'm not interested in all the flirting that seems to have infested the ship."

_that_ throws him for a loop. "no! uh—no, no. truth be told it don't interest me all that much, either. just havin' a check-in. you, uh... well. i know you ain't really one fer talkin'. and i used to not be, either, but i figure that even if i weren't first mate i'd still want to make sure everyone's goin' into this okay. we've all been through some times lately. least we can do is, uh, be open about it, and try to work on things, so... yeah."

"mm."

"oh, come on. clam up an' i'll change my mind 'n start flirtin', and trust me, you do _not_ want to see me try that."

"no," barnes says, so firm as to be cutting, "i don't."

the playful sort of expression zolf had been using (or at least _trying_ to use) falls away. barnes isn't really looking at him, he realizes, either keeping his gaze fixed out on the sinking sun or else at a point maybe about six inches to the right of him. maybe zolf had stumbled across a sore spot. maybe barnes has somebody he misses, or... given everything, maybe he's already lost somebody.

"look, i didn't... i didn't mean to dredge anything up, if i did. i just thought—"

"wilde's shown me the letter."

zolf blinks.

he opens his mouth to say something, closes it, and blinks again. barnes looks off into the distance and takes another drink of his whiskey.

"i didn't realize that it'd mean that much to you, if i'm honest," the dwarf eventually says, and winces at how blunt his own voice sounds. "i mean, it did kind of seem like—you got on with sasha better than any of the rest of us, but i didn't think it'd be... that deep a cut—gods, that sounds awful, don't it. sorry."

"no, it... you're right, i suppose. she didn't like me all that much, i think."

"liked your shiny adamantine sword, that's for sure."

"did she?"

"we had to talk her out of nickin' it, so yeah. always a thing for sharp stuff, our sasha."

barnes laughs quietly, but just once, sounding like his heart isn't in it. "i always thought she was like me, in a way. i grew up... real rough. lost da when i was young. mum had trouble enough raisin' me, i was always gettin' into fights. didn't take to school too well. always had dinner on the table, but not always lunch or breakfast. mum would use a teabag three times before throwin' it out, and once a month i'd get a spare copper for some sweets, 'n... that was luxury, i thought. i could tell sasha had gone through some of the same stuff. felt like if i'd known her better we'd have got on."

"it would have taken more time than we had. she always took some time to warm up to folks."

"i noticed. there was one day she barely even looked at me, let alone said much."

"you _were_ court-martialin' me at the time," zolf points out. "she weren't too fond of that."

"mm." barnes looks down into his glass. "were you two...?"

zolf, who'd leant down to pick up the whiskey bottle to top them both up, fumbles and nearly drops it. _"what?_ no! no—she—too young for me, first of all—and not that she wasn't... pretty? in her own way? i suppose. but i don't really do relationships like that. and especially not since she was my employee at the time." some of barnes' defensiveness seems to ebb out, and zolf struggles to tame the surprise that wants to worm its way onto his face, distracts himself with filling the glasses. "so you, eh. really did like her, i suppose."

"thing about that is i don't really know."

"no?"

barnes frowns. takes a drink, frowns again like he's struggling with something, and for a moment zolf's concerned he's worn out his welcome. he hasn't really heard barnes talk this much in one sitting since dover, and that had been far more about him lecturing the group than conveying any kind of feeling about anything. maybe there's some sort of quota or limit, only so much he can get out of the man before he runs his luck right out.

he's rarely been so relieved to be proven wrong, though he isn't sure why. talking about sasha is difficult, which is why none of them have really, fully done it yet. he didn't expect barnes to be the first.

"i suppose i imagined it all," barnes says. "mum was real proud when the navy cleaned me up. at first i thought it was for the pay, but... she'd set aside most of what i sent home and give it back when i was on leave to take to the bank. told me to save it for when i got married. said that if i wanted to make sure someone i loved didn't go hungry, think about the wife and kids. wanted her grandbabies, i'm sure. wanted me to provide for mine, to make up for how she couldn't always. i guess i took it to heart, had some little flight of fancy... navy command's full of people who bought their rank more'n who worked for it, and she was the first person i'd met like me in a couple years. imagination ran away with me."

"well, for what it's worth, she'd probably have never married you in a hundred years."

"how d'you know?"

zolf shrugs. "didn't like to be tied down. doesn't seem like the kind of thing she'd be into."

"i suppose not." barnes laughs again, and it sounds easier this time. "i suppose not..."

"she was special."

it feels strange to say, to speak into existence. zolf's never really gotten over what he said in paris, not yet forgiven himself for leaving in prague, even if it was the right thing for himself. sometimes the questions run through his mind—if he had stayed, if he had been there to help, or to protect her no matter how much she'd insist she never needed protecting. _draw a line under it. don't let it consume you, or else you'll become useless. alright?_ _you deal with it._

he hadn't known how harsh he was with her. he hadn't known how it felt until he lost her, like feryn, but different. so different.

"she was real special," he says, "and maybe you weren't the only one who thought about bein' closer to her. i don't think i ever thought about it at the _time_ , but—when we got the letter, i felt like... well. i don't got any kids, obviously, but i think it felt sort of like what losin' one must be like. she'd been all over the place when she joined up in london. i got to watch her grow a lot, i guess. didn't know how much it meant 'til it was gone."

"yeah."

the sun's made its way far enough down that the world's turned a pale blue from the hazy orange glow, and there's a violet streak over the horizon. the kobolds who tend to be more night crew than day are starting to appear from nowhere, and cel and azu are making their ways down from the crow's nest, cel's bright laugh ringing out like a bell.

"well, if there's anything to take from it, barnes, on the whole, it's at least we knew she was happy, right? said she'd had her own group of rescues, kids that had it rough. like me, and like you and like her. made sure they were all taken care of and grew up better'n she did. so maybe she wouldn't ha' ever been the wife that your ma wanted you to have, but... some good came of it. even if it were, oh, about two millenia ago." barnes nods, solemn, and zolf continues: "and we're doin' this _save the world_ thing. so even if it ain't all of us together, we're all still doin' our part. and she'd like that you turned on the navy, too."

the solemnity gives way.

barnes smiles.

* * *

cel bounds over long-legged and loud and chatters at barnes about the cruise control before the talk can get wrapped up proper, but zolf doesn't feel all that bad about it—he could never figure out how to draw conclusions about those sorts of things, and feels a bit more comfortable with azu taking barnes' abandoned glass and asking if she can have a share while cel harasses barnes back to the helm, but in a friendly way.

azu's got that look in her eyes, which zolf might have resented more in his poseidon days, but now finds comforting.

"what were you two talking about?"

"uh... sasha, actually."

the orc's eyebrows raise. "oh?"

"yeah. barnes knew us back in dover, i think i said somethin' about it? maybe not, i don't know. turns out he had sort of a crush on her. misses her about as much as we do."

"hm." azu nods, dark eyes closing briefly. "it's good to talk about such things. grief is... a long journey. one we're all on, it seems."

"i guess so." zolf cranes his head towards the stern. cel's gesticulating excitedly. barnes, for his part, looks to be taking it in good stride and offering his own feedback. "i think we... we all loved her more than we realized. if love's the right word."

"it is!" she looks pleased, and reaches out with her free hand to take zolf's. lawks, she's big. "we are all bound by kinship in our duty. we have travelled and fought together, endured danger and hardship, and taken care of one another, all this way. of course we love each other."

he fights his own smile, hesitant to take that to heart, but even if it might not be entirely true for everyone, azu's sincere about it. "yeah. i s'pose you're right."

"thank you."

zolf would've sworn that even among the pink glow of her armor, he could see a faint golden shimmer on the heart around her neck. aphrodite must approve, which makes his face color somewhat, like it's embarrassed him.

"would..." azu begins, but pauses. can she tell? "would you like to talk about her?"

"i—not right now, no. just kind of... kind of did with barnes. a bit much for one day, if y' ask me."

"i see. that's alright." she drains the remainder of her glass, which must be so little for someone her size, and rises, handing it back to zolf. "thank you for the drink. and thank you for talking with me. whenever you're ready, you know where to find me."

"crow's nest." zolf nods. "right."

"good. i'm going to go get some sleep."

if he were blushing before, zolf might be beet-red as azu bends down all the way just to plant a kiss on the top of his head, her tusks a not-unpleasant little knock against his noggin. "good-night, zolf."

"yeah." he lifts an arm to pat her shoulder before she's out of reach. "g'night."

**Author's Note:**

> just as a matter of clarification, i guess i ought to say that the backstory devised here for barnes is entirely headcanon and none of it is drawn on any canon evidence; just the erstwhile dreamings of a writer who loves a fictional swashbuckler-in-progress far too much. and everyone else, of course, but... barnes. ;-;
> 
> hope you all enjoyed.


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